Orlando, FL.
I’m Puertorican enough to know that Orlando, FL is full of sketchy people, we all are sketchy.
666.
I’ll be in the corner waiting to hear from you.
Hell is inside me, I’ve never felt so comfortably alone.
Heaven is not my place, down here I’m a god,
Cut my wings and here let me rot.
Hell is inside me, I’ve never felt so comfortably alone.
My life is out of order,
My feelings grow worst by the second,
My intentions are good, they just might
not seem right.
My heart is burning, but I’m like the 13th floor,
Turn around, I better be alone.
Hell is inside me, I’ve never felt so comfortably alone.
2
Laying down on your bed, listening to your favorite Nick Drake album, not thinking about today nor tomorrow, no past, present or future. Your breath smelling like shit, the taste of beer from yesterday still washes your teeth with your saliva, your tongue whiter that the clouds on a nice day out, it’s nice outside, you wouldn’t know. No calls, no phone, no computer no internet, nothing to get you out of concentration, just you and your thoughts. An old acoustic bass that reminds you of the good times, when you were actually good at it, you try to play it, it seems like you haven’t lost it yet. Pencil in hand, notebook by your side, you try and try but can’t. Breaking up the sweet leaf, rolling it in that gummy French paper that you know it’ll burn nice and slow, you like it nice and slow..sometimes. Ideas start flowing, you can’t control it, you just do as it comes, you feel good about the outcome, I think it’s time to come out. No, it’s too bright, I can’t see much, my eyes are shutting off, You and I, but there’s no I in team, but there’s an I in loneliness. Where are we going? there’s a we? I’ll just go ahead and do that myself, nothing will ever make you smile, just those times, pencil in hand, sweet leaf and amazing thoughts it was keeps me going on.
1
Met her years ago, when I had just started to grow pubic hair and had my first alcoholic beverage, that long ago. We got together a long time ago, nothing serious, we were too young. She was beautiful, still is, until not too long ago I though she was perfect for me, everything that fucked up me could ever ask for. Straight-forward, still learning about herself, someone who I could totally give my trust to without thinking it twice, the kind of woman that could maybe stand and help me with my view towards society and my life. I was convinced that no matter how many women I fuck, how many women I date, the amount of them that will break and had broken that ice cold rock that I call heart would ever change the way that I see her. It’s quite funny to think that because of this super short-period of my life is what I’ve actually based my “what could be” future on. How foolish of me and to think that I’ve always said that dreaming is stupid, that dreams are just an excuse to stop you from something that you can do, but that’s all I did, dream and make plans that turned into excuses to accept that my future is for me and not based on anyone else. I still remember the last time we met, my brain was melting and my eyes were graced by the most beautiful woman I had ever seen right in front of me. We sat right next to each other, all we had to us were awkward moments and pointless conversations about what’s been going on with our lives, when, with all honesty, all I wanted to do was to kiss her, but I didn’t. I was a coward, I’ll recognize that, or it was maybe the whole awkwardness that was surrounding that moment in time, I don’t know, but what I do know is that, that moment right there that whole hour or two of just awkward smiles and silent thoughts is the last time that I’ll ever see her again, or at least the last time that I’ve seen her with those eyes where she was up on a pedestal and I was holding it. I don’t know what happened between us, I don’t think I’ll ever know what happened to her that night, her thoughts, anything that would help me understand and to be honest I don’t think I want to know, but all I know is that it’s over with, thank you for being my “sub-muse” to start writing again, but as much as it hurts me to say this “Fuck off” would be the most appropriate expression to let you go and how I feel about you. Au’revoir.
